Our Deepest Need

Yes, I know I’ve been horribly absent from here.  My life went for a big rollercoaster ride and I’m all the better for it, but it was a rought journey.  There were times of absolute bliss, and times of true heartache.  Friends have come and gone, and so has love.  As usual for me I turned inward for a while reaching out as needed but feeling alone in a sea of worries.  I don’t know why I let myself get like that but I do.  Thankfully this time I had my running to help me cope.  And each stride I took on the asphalt helped me work out another problem, a hidden cry fest, or an angry itch.

A toddler girl crying

A toddler girl crying (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

But this week, I came to understand something that I think I was ignoring.  I have a strong faith, it is not one I talk about much or express in day to day life, other than actions themselves.  I reach out to God often, but not as much as I’m aware.  This past month and more, I have had some days of just utter despair, where I couldn’t hold back the tears or the sobbing.  It had been a long time since I had cried this hard.  And even the last time I had not given in to the sorrow as much as I probably should have.  I felt like crying after my marathon, but held it back, maybe if I had this wouldn’t have gone on so long.

But whatever the reason, I cried and cried.  I sat with my head in my hands, I curled up in my bed, I leaned into a friend’s arms for relief.  There were no cries for help, no prayers from my lips.  But somehow I was heard, it just took me a little while to realize it.  There is a point when we all feel that pain in our deepest soul.  For some it just is there, for others it won’t go away, for some it results in tears, and for me it becomes a sobbing.  I think that is when we lay ourselves bare.  That is when you can’t hide from what truly pains you and what you are really looking for.  A solace that is more than companionship, love, or comforting.

Sermons teach us about agape, a love that transcends all.  I think this is what that pain in our soul calls out for.  And for some that can be found in prayer, for others a small gesture, and sometimes it just fills in slowly.  Last week, I had an emotionally charged evening, and woke up feeling overwhelmed and confused.  I headed out for a run in the rain, with a soundtrack to suit my mood, and a certain South Pacific song in the back of my head.  I came back feeling clear headed and cleansed of so much, but it wasn’t till I drove to work that I became whole.  That was when I saw the rainbow.

It’s a little hard to spot at first

This was the second time I had seen a rainbow in the past weeks.  There was something about this one that just struck me, and I remembered the story of Noah, and how a rainbow is god’s promise to us.  A story I think that is often overlooked, and this detail one that is overshadowed by animals and an ark.  But then I thought about how this was the second time in just a month that I had seen a rainbow early in the morning after a good run, and a long night beforehand.  And I realized that this was God’s way of showing me that all is okay, and will be okay.  That my prayers that I didn’t even know I had uttered were being answered.

Funny enough, I changed my phone screen saver to a shot of that first rainbow right after I saw it.  Now I’m reminded every day of this gift, and the peace it brings me is immeasureable.  Life is moving forward and sometimes you are not always ready for the changes it will bring, but at least now I feel supported in a way that is bigger than life itself.

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The pain of being single

Image representing eHarmony as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

Well right now I’m fighting a crick in my neck and an impending headache.  I have one month left on eHarmony, only because I didn’t cancel it soon enough.  So I figure why not make the most of it.  One last strong try and if nothing comes of it then I know it’s a total bust… again! So I’ve been sitting here going through profiles and staring at a computer screen looking for hope.

I went to an art event last night by myself thinking maybe I would meet someone.  I met 4 gay men and ran into some old friends.  So not feeling real empowered by this.  But I did go, and that’s progress.  When I first moved here I would do that sort of thing all the time.  It’s how I met so many people.  So I guess I just need to keep plugging along.

Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina

Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had thought that running might bring me into a new social group, but I’m a long way off from being one of those runners.  Still, I don’t mind the scenery when we run at Wrightsville Beach.  For now, I’m focusing on the exercise and weight loss fun of running and I know that I am getting confident again.

I don’t know when I lost my self-confidence about my body, but I did.  I stopped feeling sexy and pretty.  I just felt fat and gross.  And I let myself stay in that place.  I didn’t make any effort to change.  To be honest I think I had started to feel that way before my last serious relationship started.  Maybe that’s why I settled like I did.  I didn’t think I could get any better.

And maybe that’s why I got back on eHarmony.  I felt that it was a safer way to put myself out there.  But enough is enough.  My heart isn’t any fuller and my bank account isn’t either so wasting $30 a month cannot continue.  But I guess I need to plow along.  I have 70 some matches to sort through, and more come in every day.  I archive 90% of them, you would think eHarmony would catch on and quit sending some of these.