Finding A Balance

‎I sat down after a long day of work to stalk my Facebook friends and play some word games. When that didn’t satisfy my mind, it started wandering… Well careening wildly might be a better description. I’ve been on a crazy roller coaster ride of thoughts lately. I have no desire or motivation for projects or cleaning right now. When that happens my mind goes into an introspective and over analyzing spiral that is hard to escape from.

Blogging Workflow

Blogging Workflow (Photo credit: cambodia4kidsorg)

It’s at times like this that I lose myself in books, movies, and mini marathons of tv shows on Netflix instant play. But today even those distractions did not appeal to me. So I turned to the next best thing, blogging. Because now I can express what has my mind going in vicious circles and maybe get it to shut up. So I sat down with a topic in mind, something that I have been pondering for a few months, but that recently became more clear. And when I went to write this post I found a draft of an older post that I had saved with this quote;

 

‎”There’s a difference between who we love, who we settle for, and who we’re meant for.”

I think I saw it on Facebook a while back and knew a day would come when I would be ready to blog about. It could be interpreted to be related to dating, but I think we can take it deeper than that. I think this can apply to all our close relationships in life. Family, friends, and significant others are all something that can be defined by this quote. I’m going to leave family and significant others alone for this post but may return to them at a later date. For today I want to talk about friends.
Ah friendship, that thing we all need, desire, and take for granted. It’s the taking for granted part that has had my mind buzzing for a while now. I am so guilty of this crime. The number of friends that I would like to consider close, but that I know I have not put enough effort into staying in touch. The friends I lost because I just assumed they would stick around, regardless of my actions or lack thereof. At what point do we give up? When do we decide that it’s not worth the effort. Or forget that all relationships take two people. I have some amazing friends, all over the globe. But I know that there are only a tiny handful that I could call out of the blue and talk to them like no time has passed. These are the ones I was meant for, and they for me.

The Knave of Hearts, from a 1901 edition of Mo...

The Knave of Hearts, from a 1901 edition of Mother Goose. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Too often we give too much of ourselves and our hearts away to friends who don’t return it. Or the friend grows weary of us and drifts away, or quietly ends the friendship. Much like a relationship where the feelings become one sided, so can friendships. Only with friends we are often too timid or afraid of conflict to tell them that we are weary or confront the friend that has stopped accepting our invitations to hang out. It is at this point that we begin to settle. Rather than cultivating and growing our friendships into lasting relationships we give up. But even worse, when the good ones fail, we begin to settle for friendships that are unfulfilling and below our normal standards.
Why can we stand up for ourselves in romantic relationships but with friendships we play fast and loose at times. Or is it just me? Maybe my relationship issues are bigger than just romance. Maybe I should analyze those friends that I can count on at 3 in the morning and see what traits they possess that makes us such a lasting match as friends. After all, everyone says you should marry your best friend…

dialogue

dialogue (Photo credit: paloetic)

Whatever the issue, I have found myself looking hard at some friendships that have felt one sided for some time. And recently have begun to make me feel worse about myself as a person. I question “what have I done, or how did I behave that they no longer want to hang out?” And no one should ask that about themselves. But for me, so much about my life has changed and improved in the last 6 months and especially the last 3, that I really have to wonder if maybe we just grew apart. I could “chase” after them, question them about it, try to make amends or modify the offending behavior. But I find myself thinking more along the lines of, “if they really valued our friendship and missed our time, shouldn’t they come to me and let me know?” I have reached out asking for time to hang out one on one, I have tried to encourage an open dialogue, I have even limited my interactions with them thinking maybe they just needed space or time off.  But short of just flat out confronting them head on, I feel I’ve exhausted all avenues.
For now I’ve decided to pull back completely. I guess I need some time for myself; to stop feeling hurt, indignant, and angry. Where do we draw the line between those we love, and those we are meant for… Or how do we recognize the difference? But most importantly, how do we learn to stop settling for those friendships that are just placeholders.