The pain of being single

Image representing eHarmony as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

Well right now I’m fighting a crick in my neck and an impending headache.  I have one month left on eHarmony, only because I didn’t cancel it soon enough.  So I figure why not make the most of it.  One last strong try and if nothing comes of it then I know it’s a total bust… again! So I’ve been sitting here going through profiles and staring at a computer screen looking for hope.

I went to an art event last night by myself thinking maybe I would meet someone.  I met 4 gay men and ran into some old friends.  So not feeling real empowered by this.  But I did go, and that’s progress.  When I first moved here I would do that sort of thing all the time.  It’s how I met so many people.  So I guess I just need to keep plugging along.

Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina

Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had thought that running might bring me into a new social group, but I’m a long way off from being one of those runners.  Still, I don’t mind the scenery when we run at Wrightsville Beach.  For now, I’m focusing on the exercise and weight loss fun of running and I know that I am getting confident again.

I don’t know when I lost my self-confidence about my body, but I did.  I stopped feeling sexy and pretty.  I just felt fat and gross.  And I let myself stay in that place.  I didn’t make any effort to change.  To be honest I think I had started to feel that way before my last serious relationship started.  Maybe that’s why I settled like I did.  I didn’t think I could get any better.

And maybe that’s why I got back on eHarmony.  I felt that it was a safer way to put myself out there.  But enough is enough.  My heart isn’t any fuller and my bank account isn’t either so wasting $30 a month cannot continue.  But I guess I need to plow along.  I have 70 some matches to sort through, and more come in every day.  I archive 90% of them, you would think eHarmony would catch on and quit sending some of these.

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